02 March 2009

That Sentence, and Farewell to Feb

So, to round off last week's post on The Sentence, here's my crit of Anette's proffered goodies:

Estranged from her people, Pearl, a predator by nature, adopts an abandoned prey whelp and holds onto this unnatural relationship, despite that it may starve them both to death.

It's not bad as it is, but the syntax is a little inverted, which makes it hard to follow. Eg, 'despite that it may'. It could also stand to be a little snappier. So this is my take, knowing nothing about the story, or the characters, or any of the other possibilities for things like antag, need, protag, etc :) Forgive me, Anette, if I totally mush the story o.O :)

Even though it might mean death by starvation - never a pleasant way to die - Pearl goes against her predatorial nature and adopts an abandoned prey whelp, holding onto the unnatural relationship in an effort to stave off the loneliness estrangement from her people has caused.
(Too long).

Pearl is a predator cut off from her pack. What she needs is to survive. What she does is adopt an abandoned prey whelp, clinging to the relationship (why??) even though it might spell death for them both.

Okay, it occurs to me at this point the problem I've been having with this sentence: Who are the antagonists? What are their needs? There's no sense here of what Pearl is up against, and I think that could make this a lot stronger than it presently is. Anette, if you're out there (:)), give me some feedback in the comments and we can keep bouncing this around if you like :)

As for February, blech. Didn't really get as much done as I hoped, but nonetheless broke the 30k mark on Jesscapades, which is nice :) I'm getting a better handle on the shape of the story, and have plotted it out past halfway. I also finished up the 33 Worst Mistakes About Dogs book (in store soon!), for a total of 13,655 words for the month. Not outstanding, but definitely less than terrible :)


Anette J Kres said...

The antagonist is basically her situation. She can't hunt AND watch over this whelp and she won't leave it to feed herself. I suppose that needs to be in there somehow. Hmm...

Protag: Pearl
Need: to survive (eat) and companionship (secondary)
Antag: dilemma food vs. companionship (so I guess she's the antag and protag all in one)
Need: companionship because estranged from her pack/pride
Interesting things: predator adopting prey and caring for it
Interesting places: modern day earth, urban setting
Twist: The race of predators that pearl belongs to is actually an evolutionary deviation from humanity. It's almost canabalism. Like in The Time Traveller by HG Wells

Inkblot said...

Ok, that makes things clearer :) Do you want me to have another go at it here, or message you on CC? If you've got all those figured out, you're definitely on the right track! :)

The first thing that comes to mind is something like

Pearl, part of an advanced predatorial race evolved from humans, has been cut off from her society. When she finds a prey whelp lost alone (in the forest), she must decide: satisfy her physical need for survival and food, or satisfy her need for companionship - if that's even possible with your dinner.


Anette J Kres said...

lol, yeah, your sentence is definately clearer than mine was. It's so tricky fitting everything into so few words :) But I like your version. Fun exercise

Inkblot said...

Heh, well, I did cheat a little - there are two sentences there O:)

And it's only fun when it isn't /yours/ :P hehe :) Working on your own sentences is a pain the rear end.

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