Queries and Character Tweets

First up, my characters now have a Twitter profile! You can follow them here, at InkysCharacters. Jessana Peakes, MC of my WIP Jesscapades, has been the first to speak so far :)

Now, on to queries. I apologise for this being late, but I had to delay my analysis of the queries because I ended up being out of town on the weekend, and spent yesterday and the day before (very thrillingly) catching up on uni work. Blech!

Sadly, I missed the deadline to post my comments on my final picks on Nathan's blog, which I feel bad about... So I haven't actually picked my top 5 yet. But that's okay: I can do that as I analyse here, and you'll get to see my thoughts as I think them! Oh, hoorah!

*eyebrow* Stop looking at me like that. You know this will be fun. Really.

#20 In The Driver's Seat
I liked the honesty behind this one. I could see it being an interesting, fresh memoir. But ultimately there's not enough sense of voice here to outweigh things like the newbie mistakes in the final paragraph, and to compete against some of the other queries.

#22 Star Fragments
This one had hints of a great snarky voice, but ultimately the topic's just too cliched in my mind compared to some of the others. Also, 88k is rather long for YA. Pass.

#28 Long Shot Lost
In the end, this is an example of having to reject because something's not right for me. I can see that this might have potential as a solid sci fi novel, but without the familiarity with the genre that a real sci fi lover would have, I can't say whether it's cliche or just... standard. Either way, there's nothing here that zings that makes me reach for the yes button.

#26 Glyph
Pretty much, this is a terrible query. More than half of it isn't even about the story, it makes all sorts of unsubstantiated claims (tell us it's got dark humour in it? why not just show us?), I have no idea who the MC is or what the core conflict is - but I held onto this one in the hopes it might improve miraculously, because both the title and the fact that it's modern mythology and a thriller/mystery really grabs me. But in the end, pass.

#33 Beneath The Heart of Beauty
Good premise with lots of potential, but the query doesn't really flow, which makes me assume the novel wouldn't either. Thus, rejection.

It's at this point that you begin to realise the real importance of a good query letter (although an imperfect letter can still receive requests, if the right things show through - see Nathan's summary posts); it might be totally unfair of me to dismiss #33 on the basis of a clunky query. In actual fact, the novel might be gorgeous - but when it's up against 13 others, and I'm only allowed to pick 5, I'm looking for things I can use to narrow down my options, and it's just not worth taking a risk that the novel might be better than the query for anything less than an outstanding premise.

Lesson here: make sure your query letter is professional, and reads like someone with an excellent command of the English language wrote it. Not just a competent command - an excellent command.

#30 XLI
I'm so torn on this one. On the one hand, it's packed full of squee - the MC is just FABulous - but on the other, 136k seems long to begin with, and when I read the sample pages, I found out why: the writing really needs trimming. If the first few pages are anything to go by, this could easily be cut back to 110k. So, I guess that's my answer: Dear Author, cut 20k and requery me :D

Another lesson: You REALLY want to make sure those first few pages sparkle.

#37 Secluded Alleys
In the end, this is reject, though the idea/premise has a lot of possibility. The query is just too messy for me to make real sense of the plot.

#40 Becoming Emily Novak
This is a well-written query, which is what got it into my final list, but rereading it in light of trying to pick only 5, it just doesn't sizzle at me the way some of them do. I guess it's mostly a matter of just not my genre.

#1 Watcher's Web
I so wanted to like this one, since it has a promising premise, but in the end I'm rejecting because the only two paragraphs in the query that discuss the book a) outline the girl's powers and b) tell us she's caught between two forces, blah blah, cliche. There isn't really a strong sense of plot at all, nor of the central conflict. So, reject :(

#38 Birthright
It's right about now that I'm feeling the pinch of only being allowed to ask for 5 partials. Can't I have 6? Please? No? Drat. In which case, this one gets rejected because the query is a bit difficult to follow, and it's mostly tell, not show. Drat.

#27 Ghostland
Again, with the wanting-to-request. HOWEVER, on really really close scrutiny, I discover that although this has a super-shiny idea, nothing about the voice captures me, and I'm not too sure if the central conflict (that the MC isn't allowed to love) does either. Regretful rejection.

#43 The Lion's Mane
This is the complete opposite to #28 for me. While the query isn't especially elegant - it's a lot more tell than show, simply listing events - I know enough about the fantasy genre to see that this story could work, and work well. Partial request from me.

#36 Rosie's Child
I'm not 100% sure what it is about this one that draws me to it. The query isn't the best, but there's a quiet sense of mystery about it that I like. It's a solid concept, and I just... *waves hands* I dunno. This one's a gut request :D

#9 If It Ain't Broke
Unique premise, promise of a good solid voice, neat and tidy query with a solid conflict = request for partial. Yay :)

And finally, there's the fifteenth in my list, the query that had me hitting 'request' even before I'd finished reading the other queries:

#17 Inugami
The sheer squee value of the premise had me hitting 'request' before I even remembered that I could only request 5. Looking at it now, the query itself isn't especially noteworthy: it tells rather than shows, and while it's technically correct there isn't actually that much of a sense of voice. So I guess this is an instance of the subject matter winning out for me.

You'll notice in the end I only picked four to request, because I really can't narrow it down between 38 and 27 (though the writing in 38 is stronger, so I'd probably go with that?).

And now, a quick summary of What We've Learned:

• Make sure your work is up to scratch before you query. You don't want to come across as a newbie, and you want to know basic things like how to punctuate, how to spell, and you want to be able to write with some degree of finesse.
• Know your lengths! Know what the acceptable lengths for your genre are, and stick to them!
• Have voice, whether it's funny or snarky or lyrical or quirky. Yes, it's a business letter, but that doesn't mean bland, dry and boring.
• Know what it is that's fresh about your work; know what's different in your story to others in your genre, and let the agent know this too!
• Make sure your query clearly mentions the central conflict of the plot (the inciting incident, often), the hook, and the key theme. If you can, SHOW these rather than telling them (see links below). Give us plot, give us conflict!
  
• Make sure your query is easy to read and understand; if an agent has to read it twice to figure out the twists you're describing, you better hope everything else is fantastic enough to prevent a rejection.
• High concept: this is such a difficult thing to define, but what it means in this context for me is make sure your conflict is a worthy one, something people will actually care about - not just, will I find raisins for my breakfast or not? That sort of thing ;)
  

And that's it! Just in case you're not satiated by today's laaaarge discussion on queries, check out these great links:

Nathan Bransford on the query letter formula; the anatomy of a query letter; more on the anatomy; and Kristen Nelson has links to a whole bunch of queries that worked for her in the sidebar, about halfway down. There's also the Query Shark :)

So, who of you participated in agent for a day? What did you learn? And to everyone - is the stuff I've pulled out here useful? Did you know this kind of thing already, or is this new for you?

And the big question, do you actually plan to query one day?

Learning By Example

I don't know about you guys, but I happen to be a visual-kinesthetic learner. I really don't learn well by listening; I need to see what we're talking about in front of me.

On the other hand, I also learn pretty well by doing and discussing - if I'm talking it out, I'll remember it (oral rather than aural learning), and if I can touch it, grasp it, move it around and do it myself, I'll also remember it.

So when I started writing, and people told me things like: Your beginning needs to be hooky. You need to have voice. Your query must be professional. You have to tell the story without telling the whole story.

...I really had no idea what they meant.

Thankfully, in the last few months a really useful resource has popped up to combat this: it's the blog of Authoress, Miss Snark's First Victim - specifically, the Secret Agent contests. Have I entered them? Actually, no.

So how have I learned from them? By immersion. By doing. When you read through 100 or 50 or however (large) many first pages in a reasonably short space of time, you begin to realise what works and what doesn't. All that advice actually starts to make sense, and you can see things like voice, and hooks, and begin to get a feel for openings that are boring, or overworked, or trying to hard - or are just right. If you've never read through the entries in a Secret Agent contest, I really encourage you to do so. You don't have to comment on them if you don't want to or don't have time - just read them, and read them all, for your own benefit.

Interestingly, the quality of the submissions really seems to be increasing. In the first few rounds of Are You Hooked?, there were maybe 5% of entries that caught my attention and really hooked me. These days, I can find anywhere between 10 and 15%, and I'm getting pickier; I read faster, I totally skim, and an opening has to work hard to make me stop and read it properly.

So. Where is all this going?

Well, in a meandering sort of way, besides wholeheartedly recommending that you go read through the lastest round of Secret Agent entries, I'm getting to querying. It never occurred to me that the breakthrough I had in reading so many first pages might also be applicable to queries; but thanks to Nathan Bransford and his current 'Agent for a Day' contest, I've realised it is.

I've read every single one of the 50 queries entered, and I'm down to a short list of 14, although I could have made it 16 if I was feeling generous. Because this post is long enough (and my husband is waiting for me!), today I'm going to let you know what my top picks are. Over the weekend, before the contest closes on Saturday night, I'll narrow down my options (we're only allowed to 'request' 5 manuscripts) and on Monday I'll dissect my choices and see what I've learned about queries, and the querying process.

Ready?

Okay. These are my top 14, in no particular order:

#9 If It Ain't Broke: boy sets out to break every bone in his body, because we all know, they heal stronger...

#20 In The Driver's Seat: a memoir about truck driving throughout America. Great voice.

#22 Star Fragments: YA, 'media darling shattered by Hollywood's depravity'. Voice, again.

#26 Glyph: a spec thriller based on Aztec mythology

#27 Ghostland: Genetically modified outcast children. Mm.

#28 Long Shot Lost: Sci fi. Reads pretty standard, but a hint of an exciting voice.

#30 XLI: It's humorous, and the MC is a monk. Rah!

#33 Beneath the Heart of Beauty: mainstream about a man who has recurring dreams that he suspects are based on the events of a period of amnesia he suffered.

#36 Rosie's Child: mainstreamish, about a family geneaology mystery. Sounds pretty cool.

#37 Secluded Alleys: serial killer/cop mystery, with photography.

#38 Birthright: YA fantasy set in the wild future, where humans live in sanitised cities - the MC learns she's heiress to the wild...

#40 Becoming Emily Novak: YA coming of age. Solid, solid query.

#43 The Lion's Mane: YA fantasy. Time travel back to Roman Britain with a talking cat!

#1 Watcher's Web: Well, it's Australian for a start, hoorah! :D Fantasy about a girl who can talk to animals, and is being fought over by the great forces of the universe.

Even reading back through these now, a day after I initially picked them, I can see differences between them that help me make up my mind - to the point where I actually removed two off this list because I realised they weren't up to par with the others.

Finally, there's one query that I didn't even have to think about: auto-request. I'll dig it out and examine it on Monday. In the meantime, get yourselves over there and learn by example what a good query feels like! :)

Welcome to my Sidebar: Miss Snark's First Victim

A blog for aspiring authors...

Who: Miss Snark's First Victim is Authoress, an aspiring author. She devotes a large chunk of time to running this spiffy blog, and does an absolutely fabulous job of it :)

What: This is a blog dedicated to writers and writing. It's full of great information, both in the posts and in the comments; some really great discussions have been hosted on this blog. And, something which has attracted a lot of new subscribers of late, the contests! The most popular ones are the Secret Agent contests, where Authoress engages a real live agent to judge the first pages of the entrants' work. The first one of these contests attracted over 100 entrants!

Where: Here, or here: http://misssnarksfirstvictim.blogspot.com/

Why: You mean the Secret Agent competitions haven't sent you scurrying over to check it out already? O:)

When: A few times a week, definitely on Fridays :)

Analysis of Openings

Meant to do this at the end of last week, but alas, it is week two of uni and already I have an essay due. But better late than never.

The format I'm using here is totally theived from Liana Brooks over at Write or Right? - with her permission, naturally ;)

This was my opening:

"Heather, you have something of mine."
I stared at my brother. I had no idea what he meant.
He stared back in silence. The years hadn't been kind to him, that much was certain. I pursed my lips at his dark, sunken eyes, unkempt hair, and too-skinny frame. Dirt clung to his shirt, and his shoes were scuffed and nearly worn through at the toes.
I frowned. "Really, Andrew. It's nice to see you and all, but" – I glanced up and down the perfectly manicured street – "did you have to show up like this?"
He shrugged and maintained his stare. "You have something of mine."
I suppressed a sigh. Better let him in before the neighbours see. I stepped aside and jerked my head.
His eyes widened briefly, but he stepped inside eagerly enough. I wondered how long it had been since he'd been somewhere warm – his hands were mottled with cold.
He hovered in the hallway, and I stepped past him and led the way to the kitchen. "Drink?"
He nodded. "Something warm would be great."
He slid onto one of the stools that edged the bench, and I turned away to rummage for the mugs and hot chocolate. "So," I said, trying to keep my voice casual. "What brings you here?" I hadn't seen him in what, ten? Eleven years, now? As I turned, mugs in hand, I caught his eye. I inhaled, hit by the intensity of his gaze.
"You have something of mine."

Comments: 26, if we discount my two :)

Hooked? 24 plus one maybe. Hoorah, there is hope! :)

Problems Cited By Critters:
* Brother is more interesting that Heather
* Lots of people wobbled at the 'hands mottled with cold' bit
* Lots of sentences start with 'he'
* Issues with Heather's actions - why does she invite him in instead of just asking what he thinks she has?
* Too many repetitions of "You have something of mine." - makes him sound robotic.

What I Can Fix:
* Both characters need a major overhaul. I know this.
* The cold hands can easily go, and sentences can be reworded to avoid 'he'

What Won't Change:
* I seriously doubt she'll just confront him on the doorstep. I still don't know her very well, but I know enough to know that that's a conversation she's NOT going to have in public ;) Besides, if she did, it would ruin the plot %-)

So, the biggest thing that needs working on here is the characterisation, which ought to iron out interest issues and also quirks in their mannerisms, such as Heather inviting him in, and him being so repetitious (or not, depending on how his character turns out).

For a long time I've been a character-focused writer, and have struggle a LOT with plot and structure. When I started writing this, it was an exercise in Making Things Happen - in plot. Consequently, the characterisation is very hazy - it seems that at the moment I can work on one or the other, but not both.

But that's okay. I can clear that up in revisions, and this novel is teaching me a whole new way of writing - and that I /can/ plot, and structure, and have coherency result :)

Overall, I'm pretty stoked with the high proportion of positive comments, and can't wait to finish this dang draft so I can get to revising.

Of course, the fact that I discovered some rather interesting details about Heather and Andrew's past two days ago has nothing to do with it O:)

Absent Because of Beginnings

Today's title is somewhat non-sensical, but I like the sound of it, so it's staying :P As it suggests, I have been a little absent from the blog this past weekend because of beginnings - one hundred and fifteen first pages, to be precise, as posted over on Miss Snark's First Victim. I'm proud to say that I've read and commented on every one, and also read what no-longer-secret agent Holly Root had to say about them all. And I'm especially proud because with the ones that I commented on before she did, we agreed on nearly every one ;)

Why is this worthy of a post, you ask? Well, my good friend and Twin of Darkness and Good, who goes by the name Liana Brooks, posted a couple of days ago about which openings she liked and why. Which made me think I ought to do a similar post, since similar thoughts have been coruscating throughout my brain for the last few days. (Yes, coruscating. They're very shiny thoughts.) I'm amazed by how much this competition has taught me, and I know that once again my own writing will be made stronger because of it.

So, what struck me about the openings that I loved, versus the openings that were just so-so? Firstly, and mostly, voice. Stories that opened with a unique, identifiable voice that was in some way quirky had me immediately. It almost didn't matter what the subject of the story actually was, if the voice was great, I was hooked. (I say almost because there was this one that had a great voice, but was about a visit to the dentist... Others liked it, but I just couldn't feel that interested. Probably because I've never had a negative experience with a dentist, I'd say.)

And this is something that I know I need to work on for TP - Heather's characterisation is still all OVER the place, and she needs a solid character with a great voice to really make the book sing. But it has potential, and I'm glad of that much :)

Other things I noticed:

* Big paragraphs of description really suck. I skim. That even relates to paragraphs that may not actually be description, but look long and dense. Hoorah for small paragraphs!
* Punctuation, grammar, and spelling really, really, really count. Especially comma slices. (Death to splices! *waves pitchfork*)

And finally, the other biggie: conflict. You may recall that I wrote an article on conflict a while back, basically saying that there are lots of types and that it's the meat and bread of a story. Beginnings are no different. Even if the beginning has a good voice, is clear of mistakes and has nice sized paras, there has to be conflict. And more, the conflict has to be relevant. There has to be a sense that the conflict portrayed matters somehow within the context of the story.

So, personal checklist for beginnings: voice, conflict, bite-sized paragraphs, and no errors. Easy! :D

And A Slight Hyperventilation Of My Own...

The Are You Hooked? contest over at Miss Snark's First Victim is well and truly up and running, with an astounding 113 entries! If you have a spare second to pop over and comment even on one or two, I'm sure everyone would be greatly appreciative. All you have to do is say whether the beginning hooked you or not, and, if you're feeling verbose, why :)

Meanwhile, I'm having a bit of a 'squee' moment of my own. This is what Secret Agent had to say about my opening:

"Yes. I might tighten a few spots (strike second line, cut to "The years hadn't been kind to my brother, that much..."; lose the second line about his clothes) but I'd want to see where this is headed."

*bounces up and down* Words cannot describe how floatily excited I am right now :D

First Lines and Hookability

If you haven't heard of Miss Snark, then you are a deeply deprived person. Go right now and check out her Snarkives which, even though she is no longer actively blogging, contain an absolute treasure trove of information on the writing business.

And although she is no longer blogging, the dear Miss Snark has spawned a great many spin off blogs - one of which belongs to Authoress, owner of the Miss Snark's First Victim blog. Over the next few weeks, she's running a second Are You Hooked? competition - and the rules are easy. When submissions open (circa July 14), email in your first 250 words of any story. Once the entry period is over, each entry will be posted in a separate post, and readers of the blog will comment on each post. As an added bonus, Authoress has managed to snag a real-life, honest-to-goodness agent who will also read and critique each opening.

Entry is free, you don't have to have a complete manuscript to enter, and all that's asked is that you give feedback on everyone else's beginnings if you get feedback on yours. What have you got to lose?

If you're feeling like you need a bit of a warm up, this thread over on Critique Circle is for posting entries to for preliminary help with polishing and feedbacky-ness. And our very own Liana Brooks is hosting a first paragraph 'competition' on her blog as we speak as a warm up for your first 250 words :)

Free feedback, from an agent no less. You can't pass that up every day ;)